im gone. 

in every sense of the word. 

im moving to lj. so at least i can lock some posts 

im leaving you. 

for good. 

you got over it. you dont care.

oh well. 

you dont understand and you never will. 

i hate you for not staying to make it work

sometimes. when you have time to think 

you think that maybe it's the time to say what you want to say 

things that youve been keeping inside for the longest time.

you think that maybe if you forgive and accept .

things might fall into place

let that someone know how you feel

and hope for a prince charming moment

desperately hoping for the line that will make your heart melt 

and turn to goo

hoping for the one thing for that person to do

that tell you i love you 

and that they'll make it work. 

that everything that happened was just a dream. 

and it'll never happen again. 

then all in a moment. 

when you notice that something's gone

a physical something.

then.. 

everything's crushed

you wonder why

all the possible reasons that they could have

although no excuse would be good enough. 

but still you wonder

you hope for the best 

and then AGAIN. your heart gets shattered. 

(well done, right?) 

you told yourself not to hope. but then again

you're only human

you're naive. you're gullible. 

you're not incapable of pain

you're also not incapable of having hopes. dreams. wishes

thinking that probably this. this would be the day that maybe i will believe again. 

hahaha. so wrong there. because (ding ding ding  that's the correct answer)

you get hurt. again. 

and in the distance. somehow. you hear the sound of something breaking

you have no idea what it is. but suddenly. your heart starts to hurt.

and you feel this physical hurt that you've never felt before

you wonder if this is happening to just you. indeed, hunny. yes it is.

so now. you know that certain person's moved on. 

but still. you lie in bed. helpless

unable to move. unable to breathe. 

unable to think. 

you lie there wishing for your life to be over.

or maybe also wishing for something. 

something that could turn back time. 

something that could change the past 

then suddenly, you think. 

if that person could change the past

would they have changed you?

im leaving

you just had to. can we meet up? 

i need to. i have to. 

nothing ever hurt like you 

loving you was easy

to you every thing was a game. 

i want you more than i should 

hit me like steel freight train 

when you left me

EDIT: its getting harder and harder to breathe

can someone come over and make me happy and forget?

forget everything. 

how about a car accident

get into a coma and get amnesia. 

i cant do this anymore. 

im confused.

i had fun yesterday.

i was all okay.

i made it through the day. 

with hunnies and sexy sayang. 

i made up my mind. 

thought i'd stick by it

convinced i was okay

all that was yesterday. 

the moment it struck twelve.. 

i couldnt think again. 

lets see how i get through today.

now i dont believe in the stars, 

the moon, or the magic of love

breakeven - the script

im giving a mile..

but you're not even giving an inch. 

obama's inauguration is today!! :D

yay! -jumps up and down-

the past few days..

idk

i miss baba ):

everyone's kapo-ed her. 

-sigh-

people say ive made the incredibly wrong choice

and i could name a few that would kill.

and many would get angry. 

but i dont know.

prove it?

my moto moto rocks at teaching accounts!! :D

lovelove!!

drive all night with me

sing my favorite song and sleep 

under the stars on the hood of our car

its all i ever wanted

all i ever wanted was to

see you in the pale moon light 

just the way you look tonight 

and maybe some day

if love comes our way 

we'll be walking in the meadow in the early spring 

can you see it?

girl, i believe em that 

its true

all i ever wanted

all i ever really wanted was you 

if life is what you make it 

you had your chance

you know i wanted to make you mine

i had this picture in my mind

you were in it all the time

baby. 

look at the two of you

dancing that way

lost in the moment 

in each other's face

so much in love

you're alone in this place.

like there's no body else in the world

i was enough for you not long ago

i was your number one

you told me so

and you still mean the world to me

just so you know

so be careful when you hold my baby

time changes everything

life must go on

im not going to stand in your way

i loved you first

i held you first

and a place in my heart will always be hurt

from the first breath you breathed

when you first smiled at me

i knew the first time i saw you with her

it was only a matter of time

so you might know what im going through

when a miracle smiles up at you 

but im still living with your goodbye

and you're just going on with your life

how can you just walk on by 

without one tear in your eye

dont you have the slightest 

feelings left for me

maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain

forgetting everything between our rise and fall

like we never loved at all

another week has passed 

and i still havent laughed yet 

so tell me what's your secret 

to letting go.

letting go just like you did.

did you forget the magic

did you forget the passion

oh, did you ever miss me

ever long to kiss me

its like we never loved at all 

i never should have. 

never ever ever. 

im just clinging on to hope. 

i guess. 

cause now thats the most i can do. 

coach asked me the most... (omg) 

critical question today. and after that.. 

im just like oh shit. srsly 

the answer is no. and yes i know. 

i WANT to move on. 

hell. god knows i need to. 

but its not easy. 

im screwed up. 

majorly. 

fuck.

yes sure. thanks. you're disappointed. 

sureeee. because for me, 

everything's just fan-fuckin-tastic right?

you think i dont WANT to? 

you think i ENJOY? 

you think i dont WANT to improve

and get better? 

and fucking be the best there ever was?

fuck. hell no. 

you say its a joke. 

but srsly WHAT THE... 

omg. fuck. 

im going insane. 

its just a huge responsibility that 

im not sure i can undertake at the moment. 

starbucks with wannie :D

rofl. funny as hell. 

poor thing had a headache from it all. 

so yes, ive survived a week.

yay me. im proud of myself. 

well not really

monday night was just couldnt breathe

couldnt think. couldnt do anything

i swear im thankful for liz. 

lifesaver. 

but at least 

NOW, im still alive and breathing

and that's kinda all i ask for. 

its been a weird week. 

trying to believe it still. 

you're doing the weirdest things

that even i dont understand.

well. we'll see how it goes tmr.

-sigh-

im sorry baba,

i'll love you til the sky falls. 

and til the world stops spinning. 

haha ive told you the conditions

so yes :D

love you cause you give em a piece of your mind

i've said it before and i'll say it again.

this list would go on forever

if i listed all the times you were there for me 

and all the good times we had together. 

all the tears, 

all the laughter. 

not forgetting baba moments and christmas lights

you're the bestestestestestestest bestie anyone could ever ask for.

ilu. 

haha seriously what the helll

-.-

before i crash, i just want to say sth 

im super duper thankful for such amazing friends, 

like hunnyyyy (wannie), motomoto (sharp) and B. 

:D 

i swear i love you guys to pieces. 

without you guys i dont know how i could survive. 

without you guys,

spontaneously combusting, shrivelling up and melting into the floor

would be the only answer.

(:

just the audacity that you had

simply amazes me.

wow. 

not that i really care anymore

:D

that im glad to say 

it was the very first love story.

my first. 

thanks. 

now im just convinced 

that everything ends. 

apparently im not worth it. 

last night/ two nights ago.

maybe it was all just bullshit. 

maybe it was all lies.

maybe i guess it's just because the both of us want two very different things. 

im lying with my head on the phone

willing for it to ring 

thinking of you til it hurts

tormented and torn apart 

i wish i could carry your smile and my heart 

for times when my life feels so low. 

it would make me believe what tomorrow could birng 

when today doesnt really know.

im all out of love.

me and marketing are NOT friends anymore. 

we sooo dont go well together.

srsly. i have no idea what price has to do. 

and when i type it out.

it doesnt sound right. 

royally screwed,yo. 

hahah told coach everything :D

rar! damn kaypo only sia! HAHA 

still say i owe him a story. 

tsk! rofl

haha whatever.

teehee. motomoto!!!! RAR. i bite you. break my heart only sia you. hahaha. loveyoustill!!  loveloveee!! :D

anyways, i had training today.

ugh. after a month of not playing.. 

omgg. just sit there and die luh. 

rofl. RAR RAR RARRR. 

and i have a game on saturday and tuesday 

like omggg. 

goodnight world. 

hello. fucking BA. 

the downright fool-proof answer..

i could give you that 

but, you'd be unwilling. 

nothing left to say. 

still hurts like nothing before. 

you think its strange

that i need your love

even after all you've done

have i said too much 

there is nothing more 

that i can think of to say to you 

but you can look at me and 

know that every word is true.

but all i really have to say now

is that sometimes, 

you cant help who you love. 

you speak of it like disease. 

why. you can choose whether 

you want to or not. 

edit: shit i forgot to go psychologyy 

skipped two lectures alrdy luh.. omggggggg

you said you loved me

more than anyone else 

could ever know

but now you're leaving 

cant wait to strive to work this out

and ive never been one to brag

the nights get lonely

and all i have left is a memory of you 

i tried to say this

but now there's nothing 

left for me to do

please dont go 

just stay 

i watched with tears in my eyes 

as you walked away 

miss your voice

and your touch

if i told you i loved you 

could that be enough 

an awkward silence

it's been too long since

i heard from you 

i lay sleepless

knowing my heart still belongs to you 

ive never been one to brag 

and tonight i'll stay home and miss you more than you'll ever know.

and i always thought that goodbyes only existed in stories.

i swear. i think im retarded. 

i find refuge in my blog. 

just writing everything out (: 

wow right? 

only thing that wont judge. 

and will 'listen'

do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away.

played against sp today. 

i dont show it but i cant explain in words. 

how much it hurts. 

you say that you didnt mean to do what you did

that you didnt want to hurt me

but if you really are.

then why do you continue.

continuing to stab me in the heart. 

are you going to make me happy 

or am i going to have to lie to my diary? ):

now im afraid i have to go. 

i thought that our days would last forever

but it just wasnt our destiny

cause in my mind we had

so much time but i was wrong

please turn back the time. 

the heart feels heavy.

and its dragging me down

why couldnt you just give 

the right answer

if you want it to work

although, its obvious you dont anymore. 

edit: 

ran over to baba's today to do my fair bit of sobbing 

i guess it really helped. 

beats the library. 

i remember the way the roses smelt 

the way i felt

so mushy 

so happy

so insanely overjoyed. 

to think that less than a month later

this would happen.

i tried to sleep early today. tried to fall asleep so that i wouldnt have to think anymore. so that i wouldnt have to feel anything anymore. so that i could somehow just run away to dreamland. find the happiest dream there was and be contented. probably float away on some cloud if it was possible. but instead i wake up less than two hours later drenched in tears. people kept asking me how i am. thanks really but i guess i can answer it with one word. 

no. 

id love to tell you guys that it doesnt affect me. i have no idea why it does. according to logical thinking i shouldnt be hurting this badly. i shouldnt be.  i should just stop everything and continue my life. but it's hard.  it really is. 

i told you i didnt remember. i do. i try not to. i remember the tingles that i got in my tummy. the goosebumps that i got. that i remember. all too clearly. and those are the things i want to forget. the things that hurt the most. 

and it hurts YOU, you say? wow. 

those two words. those two words that told me that you still continued. knowing what she was doing. knowing that you wouldnt stop anytime soon.  i know you laughed when i told you what it did to me but seriously. just imagine all those. all that i said. and imagine. none of that would hurt me more. 

anyone who ever loved

could look at me and know that i loved you 

anyone who ever dreamed 

could look at me and know that i dream of you 

knowing i love you 

so anyone who had a heart 

would take me in his arms

and love me too 

you...  couldnt really have a heart 

and hurt me

like you hurt me and be so untrue

what am i to do 

every time you go away

i always say, this time it's good bye dear 

loving you the way i do

i take you back 

without you i'd die dear 

knowing i love you 

anyone who had a heart would love me

you couldnt really have a heart 

anyone who had a heart would surely take me in his arms and always love me

why wont you?

sitting in an empty room 

crying to myself in the dark.